The Bitter Bus
The bitter bus would roll up to my house in early August and not depart until sometime in November. I am a football coach’s wife.
Year after year it’d show up. I”d try my best to positive think my way out of it, but it never lasted.
Are there seasons in your life or marriage that leave you resentful or bitter? Maybe something comes to your mind quickly, or perhaps you have to think about it. Two years ago, I wouldn’t have even been able to admit it to myself. The only thing I knew then was that I had a bad attitude. And wanted it changed.
This post is part two of a 4-part series on identity and self-worth. This past year and a half has been full of answered prayers. Prayers that I never connected, but that God graciously connected in His deliverance. I am blown away at His timing and how it has specifically impacted my marriage. I share what God has done in my life and hope it will leave you encouraged to see His hand in yours. If there are areas or seasons in your life that leave you bitter or resentful, know you don’t have to stay there. I am sitting here today, proof that there is a way out and that it is absolutely freeing!
being a Coach's Wife: Changed Attitude
The first prayer, was one for a changed attitude. I am a coach’s wife. My husband, Marc, is a football coach and the demands of coaching pull him away from home most evenings and nights during the week, for most of the fall. I didn’t have a good attitude – one of anger, that led to bitterness, which spiraled into resentment. I knew it, but couldn’t break free of it.
I begged for God to change my attitude for 7 years. And I didn’t, until now, understand why He didn’t just “poof” like zap my bad attitude away. After all, I thought my marriage would be better. My attitude would be better. “Why won’t you just take my bad attitude away Lord!”
So here I was just waiting. Just waiting to wake up one day and have a great attitude about it. Like everything is just so great and wonderful! Ha, I can laugh at that now. That is not at all how He answered those prayers. He answered them in bigger and better ways than I had imagined He would.
Being a Coach's Wife: Identity & Self-Worth
When you have a Christ-centered self-worth and identity, it touches every area of your life. In addition to this area of my marriage, it has also changed my perspective on chronic pain. But the flip-side is also true. If your worth and identity are centered on what you have, what you can and cannot do, or the people in your life like your spouse – it also touches every area of your life. Because when your identity is based on things other than Him, it will never be enough.
It was put to me this way: “You’re not less-than because your husband is at football.” I cannot tell you the weight that was lifted with that. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Because your worth, my worth, is not based on who or what you have but in Christ and Christ alone who chose you.
A Christ-Centered Marriage
The second prayer that I had prayed countless times since our wedding in 2013 was to have a Christ-centered marriage.
I assumed (wrongly as I will explain) that to have a Christ-centered marriage, God would just have to change my husband. Ha, I can laugh at that now too because I was so wrong.
You cannot have a Christ-centered marriage if you are centered on your spouse!
A Conviction That Changed Everything
It was a night after one of Marc’s games and I remember praying for a changed attitude. That particular night I remember asking God to change my attitude for the bazillionth time and God convicted me with this: “How can you have a Christ-centered marriage if you are centered on Marc.”
Wait, what? I am asking about my attitude and You’re going to respond with that?
He did. And I am certain it was the Holy Spirit’s conviction.
I had been centered on Marc. As soon as I felt that conviction, I was certain it was true. There it was. How true that was and had been for a long time.
And this part is amazing – God convicted me in the most gentle, loving way, full of grace and mercy. I don’t know how to adequately convey what I felt in that moment.
I didn’t feel condemned like a “how dare you, I am so disappointed in you” from God.
I didn’t feel His anger; I felt His love.
I didn’t feel His judgement; I felt His peace.
It was a peace and love I felt with absolute certainty. As certain as I’m sitting here writing this. “Therefore, there is no condemnation for those that are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1. How true this verse is. And I felt it. It felt like a giant weight being lifted off.
And what love that is! He showed me I had been putting Marc ahead of Him. Marc was first. And He showed me with love and kindness, that I can’t possibly explain. It’s hard for me to even fathom, yet I experienced it.
So here I was praying for a changed attitude, wanting to support my husband in what he loves, and at the same time wanting a marriage centered on Christ. I never would have connected the two, but God wove them together in ways only He could have done.
Being a Coach's Wife and Getting Off the Bitter Bus: Acceptance and Believing the Truth About Your Own Self-Worth
I could not get off the bitter bus until I accepted all that came with the fall season. And I couldn’t fully accept it until I understood what it doesn’t mean – what the season doesn’t mean. And that is incredibly important.
Accepting it but – and this is key – knowing what it doesn’t mean.
And accepting it makes it easier to face the realties of the season. There are still days and nights that are exhausting and hard. But the difference – there is no longer this added weight of bitterness and resentment underneath it all. Acceptance makes it so much easier to do just that – accept it for what it is, and reject the lies for what it is not.
It doesn’t mean that Marc cares more about football than he does me or our kids. I believed that lie for years.
It doesn’t mean that the season is more important to him than my kids and I are. I believed that lie for years too.
Because it felt like it. It felt like I was second to all of it. But just because it feels that way doesn’t make it true.
But even if that all were true. Even if it was true that I was second to Marc during the fall, it doesn’t mean that I am any less. Because Christ chose me.
And here is where a self-worth and an identity rooted in Christ and who Jesus says you are is so important. He chose you. The Savior of the World, the Author of your life, the Creator chose you.
You are worthy because Christ chose you. (John 15).
Not because your spouse “chose to come home early” or so-and-so “chose to like your post” or so-and-so “chose to spend time with you.” You are worthy because Christ chose you.
And in that truth there is peace.
You might not be a coach’s wife like me but it could be anything – any season of your marriage or relationships that leaves you resentful or bitter – when you believe who you are in Christ because He chose you, it touches every area of your life – marriage to parenting to relationships with family and friends.
God took away the anger, the bitterness, and the resentment and traded them with His Truth, His Presence, and His Peace. And I am not the same!! I could shout it from the mountains tops. What left me bitter and resentful has been replaced with a genuine excitement and happiness for my husband. And it is absolutely freeing!
My prayers for a changed attitude and a Christ-centered marriage, He answered and wove together in ways I never would have imagined or connected.
I never connected the two in prayers, yet He graciously connected them in His deliverance.
And it’s all in His perfect timing.
Perfect timing that has unveiled characteristics about Himself and His character that if He instantly took my bad attitude away on that first prayer, I never would have learned.
If He had not carried me through the trenches of bitterness and resentment as He has and if He had answered my prayers for a changed attitude on that first prayer, I would not understand the enormity and transforming power that His Truth, His Presence, and His Peace can have in my life.
If there are prayers on your heart, prayers that go so deep that you have been begging and pleading for, don’t give up. His timing is miraculous. He hears you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, He hears you and He works all things for good.
It was football for me. Or rather, that was just the surface. Underneath, was a deep feeling of resentment fueled by an identity and worth that wasn’t centered on Christ.
And I was miserable.
But God graciously met me there and in His perfect timing delivered me from it.
And it is absolutely freeing.
So as I sit here today, I am overjoyed by His divine freedom.
Whatever it may be that you are facing and struggling with, He already knows. And He is already carrying you through. If there are certain areas in your life or marriage where you dread, are constantly upset and resentful, know you don’t have to be stuck there. Seek Him out.
And through it all, get into God’s Word. The living, active Word of God. How beautiful it is. He will speak to you while you are reading and He will impact certain situations and struggles you are facing. Get to know Him. Get to know Him as personally as you can.
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 29:11-14a.
To learn more, Pastor Kaiser and I discuss self-worth and identity in this Facebook Live interview with CrossRoads Counseling Ministries. I encourage you to watch it if you haven’t had a chance. We dive into the freeing transformation that a Christ-centered identity and self-worth can have.
Another great message. Your open honesty about real and difficult feelings is refreshing. This is practical advice to get off the bitter bus.
Thank you Janet 💙
ha, “move on 😖🚌”
God’s word encourages us to ” be strong, take heart and wait for the Lord”. We need to have a steadfast trust in him that is built over time. As Romans 8:28 tells us “All things work together for good for those who love God and are the called according to his purpose”. What I failed to understand for many, many years is that it is our eternal good, not our temporal good, that God is most concerned with. And sometimes, probably most times, He needs to wait for us to figure that out!!
Oh I love this Nancy! Thank you so much! You are ministering to me. I never thought about that verse in that way – “our eternal good” not temporal good that God is most concerned with💙💙
This post has me reflecting on my own journey with resentments, acceptance, forgiveness, and freedom. So powerful and so refreshing (as already said) to hear such honesty.. I am grateful for the deliverance God has granted me thus far and for my desire to continue to seek and do God’s will. I am grateful also to read that God is working all things together for my eternal good. Such inspiration!
Michelle, thank you for sharing! So happy for you and for the deliverance you see as a results of God’s presence in your life. You are so right – God is working all things together for your eternal good! May God be glorified in all we do 💙