What Makes You Valuable?
When you think about self-worth and sense of identity, what comes to your mind?
Do you think about how you perceive yourself? Do you list through some areas of your life that make you feel good about yourself? Like “I’ve got this, this, and that (whatever you list off), and so my life is pretty good?”
Self-worth is defined by youdictionary.com as “Self-esteem; self-respect. Self-worth is the opinion you have about yourself and the value you place on yourself.“
The value you place on yourself. What makes you feel valuable or good about yourself? Maybe you have the job you always wanted, so you hang your hat on that and that’s what, if you’re honest with yourself, makes you feel important. Feel like you measure up.
I recently came across this quote on Timothy Keller’s Instagram and I couldn’t agree more.
He is talking about idols in this context but it also correlates perfectly with your sense of self-worth: “If I have that, then I’ll feel my life has meaning, then I’ll know I have value, then I’ll feel significant and secure.”
“If…then..” and you’re trapped.
“If I can just get my pain to go away, then I can get my life back.”
I lived in this trap for so long and was always looking to get to the day when I don’t hurt anymore. I had this perspective that kept me completely stuck and consumed with the lie that said while my back is in pain, there’s not much worthwhile I can do until the day it’s better.
And that is a complete trap.
The enemy would like nothing more than to get you trapped in the lie that tells you “this isn’t good enough.” “This life with chronic pain; its not good enough, you’re not good enough.” “The life you had before was better; you were better then.” And I was stuck in it. I was always trying to get back to how I used to be physically prior to the accident. If I could just get to the day when I don’t hurt anymore. Then I’ll finally get my life going again. Then I’ll finally get my life back.
But my life was never mine to begin with. It is Christ’s. I am His. Knowing and believing that essential truth has been absolutely freeing and transforming. I have been His all along but it took the accident and the aftermath for me to see it.
Because what if my back pain never gets better?
That is a hard truth I’ve had to accept.
I don’t know if the pain in my thoracic spine will ever completely go away.
And it has forced me to make an important and transforming change to my perspective on it. I could stay trapped in the lie that told me I just have to wait for the day when I don’t hurt anymore. Once I don’t hurt, then I can get going with (and fill in the blank with whatever I am waiting to do, accomplish, have, etc.).
Or, I could choose to move forward focusing on the good and blessings in my life, knowing my life is going just how God has allowed it to.
A change in my perspective helped me recognize the lie that says “If I can get to the day when my pain is better, then I’ll get my life back.”
Do you see how when you measure your value, your worth, how you feel good about yourself – when it is tied up in your physical capabilities, what you have, what you can do, or the things of this world – you will always come up short?
Because there will always be something you are waiting for.
When you are waiting for healing, pain relief, etc., you are always waiting for the end, and the end may not come. Or at least not in the timing you are hoping for.
That’s not to say you need to be full of despair that your pain may not have an end. But chronic pain is just that, it is chronic. It is on-going. And if you are in a situation of chronic pain like me, you might have been facing it for years.
And what you do with your perspective on it is crucial.
Accepting the truth that your personal self-worth, your sense of value, is so much more than how you physically feel or what you can physically do is completely freeing.
I can’t stress that enough.
Because you can’t control how you feel each day. But you can control how you choose to perceive it.
You are not less-than because you hurt today.
You are not less-than because your pain has a flare-up today.
You are not less-than because you can’t accomplish what you hoped to today.
When you are battling chronic pain, your day to day can be incredibly difficult. You don’t always know how you are going to feel each day. Is today going to be a “good day?” Or is today going to be a day where simple tasks are difficult?
What are some signs that your identity and self-worth are over-aligned with your physical health and chronic pain?
Will I ever get better? Will I be in pain now the rest of my life? Will there be an end? Is my back going to hurt every day?
If you can relate to any of these questions, I understand the weight that comes with those. And how natural those questions are.
But with those weighted questions, two traps can easily await.
The trap of anxiety and the trap of fear.
Anxiety
If I wasn’t fearful, I was anxious. If I wasn’t anxious, I was fearful. Gah I was stuck. I remember feeling anxious, it was like my stomach was spinning, and I distinctly remember thinking “well at least I’m not so worried about XYZ right now. I guess that’s better.”
How stuck I was! Anxious thoughts would slip in regarding my chronic pain that led to this constant worry that I wasn’t doing enough. And the guilt would follow.
For example, I felt like I should be able to do more around the house such as dishes and laundry, and when I couldn’t I felt anxious and guilty like I wasn’t living up to what I was supposed to be in my role as a wife and mom.
If I was playing with my kids, I also felt anxious that I wasn’t doing enough around the house. Like I should be either cleaning or better yet, working and not playing. I will share more on that coming up in the third post of this series about self-worth and parenting.
But the common theme was a state of anxiety that I knew all to well. And it wouldn’t go away.
I would be reminded of 1 Peter 5:7 which says “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
Great, but how? How do you do that? I struggled with that. “I’m casting it to you Lord but You’re not taking it!” That’s how I felt.
But I was so wrong! God was carrying it the entire time, I just didn’t see it until He graciously showed where that anxiety was stemming from. And what He shows you, there is truth in. And where there is truth, there is freedom.
But what I learned through those seasons of anxiety of not doing what I thought I “should be able to do” was this simple, but profound truth: at the root of anxiety is a deep fear that something will go wrong.
Of course I felt like something would go wrong! I felt like I was never doing enough. I felt like I wasn’t living up to what my life was supposed to look like.
When your life and worth are measured by what you can do, what you have, what you can physically achieve – you will never feel like it’s enough, because it never will be. A fear of something wrong will always be there. And with that fear, anxiety sits.
To circle back to 1 Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” Jesus took that anxiety from me when He removed the lie about my self-worth being wrapped up in what I can and cannot do.
How do you cast your anxiety on Him? You tell Him. You tell Him in prayer. And He will remove it in His perfect timing that will set you free.
Fear
The second trap that may point to a self-worth overly aligned with your chronic pain and physical capabilities is fear.
I know this because I walked in this for so long too.
I was always afraid. Afraid that I would never get better. Afraid that my back pain would never go away. But underneath that fear, was this weighted belief that I wasn’t doing enough. I wasn’t working – like I thought I should be able to. I wasn’t able to do certain activities with my kids – like I thought I should be able to. I wasn’t able to do certain activities around my house consistently – like I thought I should be able to.
Do you see the common thread in all of that? – “I should be able to.” “I should..” carries a lot of weight. That tiny word “should.” Words matter. And they matter in how you think; how you perceive your situation. Should. And if you’re not meeting whatever comes behind that “I should..” a deep feeling of not doing enough. Not being enough. Or failing. Or you have failed. Is almost sure to follow.
All of which are so easy to fall into when your self-worth is stuck in the trap of what you can do, what you have, or your physical pain and limitations that come with it.
On the good days, I would go from two extremes. The first, I would catch myself in the trap of “it’s over! I’m better!” I’d get going with my day taking care of my young kids and I would be quickly reminded of my reality. This is not over. My back is still injured.
And I would be devastated when the thoracic pain would set in as an ugly reminder.
When you are stuck in a constant struggle of just trying to get better and get your life back, you are in such a trap. Because on the good days the “it’s over!” trap is so tempting and you are left devastated when reality sets in. It’s not over.
On the days of worse pain, I would get stuck worrying that I either injured myself further or stuck worried there is no hope, I’m never getting better.
Try to avoid the trap of two extremes – 1. I’m better and this is over and the flip-side 2. There’s no hope and I’m never getting better.
When your self-worth and value become surrounded by how you are physically feeling, it’s a trap on both sides. Everything becomes a means of trying to get better.
When your perspective isn’t consumed with getting better, you perceive your days differently.
It’s a difference from “this has to get better”, to “this is my reality and I am going to try and make the best of it.” On the better days, you can be thankful for the reprieve. On the harder days of worse pain, you can more easily reject the lie that tells you you’re not doing enough; you’re never getting better.
And it’s absolutely freeing.
I keep using the word “trap” and that’s exactly what it is. When your sense of self-worth is tied up in your physical capabilities rather than in the truth of God’s Holy Word – you are trapped.
But Jesus tells you in John 15:16a “You did not choose me, I chose you…” “I chose you.” The author of your life, the author of salvation, the One who chose the cross chose you. And even in chronic pain you are still His. And even in your chronic pain, He still chose you.
The transforming truth that your value and your self-worth comes from the One who chose you is absolutely freeing. His Truth will set you free. And where you are trapped, there’s freedom in the Truth of God’s Word. The truth of God’s Word that tells you “I chose you.” You are His.
So at the crux of it all, my waiting to just get better has become a waiting on God. And with that there is freedom and joy that is hard to put into words and convey in one post. I am not the same! This is one of my favorite songs and you can listen to it here: Wait On You by Maverick City Music.
Part two in this series of self-worth and identity is how a change in self-worth, identity, and your attitude can impact your relationships and marriage: The Bitter Bus: How To Step Off If You’re Stuck. Everything shared in that, I share with my husband, Marc’s, permission of course
. It’s freeing and I could shout it from the mountain tops.
I hope you are encouraged to take an honest look at where your self-worth lies. If you have similar stories or questions I would love to hear from you! Feel free to comment below or email me at lisa@hopepersevered.com.
To learn more, Pastor Kaiser and I discussed self-worth and identity as it relates to chronic pain in this Facebook Live interview with CrossRoads Counseling Ministries. I encourage you to watch it if you haven’t had a chance. We dive into the freeing transformation that a Christ-centered identity and self-worth can have.
As always Lisa, I am so appreciative of your thoughts and experiences and insights. I’m still trying to unpack it all. I am recognizing that I have a huge to do list that I try and accomplish daily and when I’m behind or unable (whether from pain or other reasons), I’m hard on myself. I see how I have a conditional thing – an if … then …. – trap happening. Okay. I have a glimpse of myself and a misaligned self image. Yikes. It’s a little (lot) scary to admit!!
Thank you for sharing and I can totally relate! Same – a misaligned self image. It is scary to admit!! But at the same time absolutely freeing when you can see yourself as God sees you – chosen (John 15) 💙